How to Commit the Perfect Crime

Listening: Thunder and a playlist made up of Kill Hannah, AFI, Polar Moon, Setting Fires and Jupiter Blue….♪♫ one of these things is not like the other…♪♫

Eating: Black licorice salt water taffy

Today’s Prompt: Not so much a prompt as a tongue-in-cheek look at the things I have learned about committing the perfect crime by watching criminal investigation shows on primetime…heh

1. If you are going to commit any kind of crime, buy a swimming cap and an industrial sized bottle of Nair.

2. Also, in choosing a location for committing said crime, take a road trip.  Avoid doing anything in your own town.

3. If you are going to hire someone to kill your husband/wife/boss/next door neighbor, collect your pocket change and take out VERY small but regular cash withdrawals over a long period of time.  Then pay your hitman in cash and explain to him, calmly and rationally that the best way for him to get caught is to deposit $10,000 all at once or go on a shopping spree.

4. Invest in a ShopVac.  Those things will suck up a baby elephant from 20 yards away.  Vacuum yourself before entering the crime scene and then vacuum the crime scene.  Empty your ShopVac a little at a time while driving out to the desert.

5. If you are going to kill your husband and claim self defense in domestic abuse here are three tips…. First, create a history of domestic violence.  Make sure your neighbors here you arguing, fight in public, that sort of thing.  Second, and this one is VERY important.  RESEARCH!  Learn and know WELL the progression of a bruise from the time of impact to when it’s fully healed.  Then experiment with various shades of yellows, blues, and greens to make them pass inspection.  Third…complement the fake bruises with real ones.

6. Don’t dump the body on the side of the road or in the desert.  Invariably, some unsuspecting schmuck will find it.  Instead, take a tour of your city’s graveyards.  Find an open grave waiting for a burial the next day, dig a new hole in the wall of said grave, and put the body in there.  Or better yet…in the bottom, so when they bury the other guy, your guy will be underneath the coffin.

7. Don’t run from the cops. Really, don’t RUN away from anyone.  If you’re the only asshole running through a crowd of people, how inconspicuous do you really expect to be?  Instead, walk away calmly and when you find a place to duck out of sight for a second, ditch your coat/shirt/hat/whatever is on the top of your body.  That’s what they are going to be looking for…the dude in the red ball cap….if you no longer have the red ball cap, you’re no longer the dude in the red ball cap.  Then, ease back into the crowd and mosey on along.

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