Today’s entry is supposed to be a letter to a band or artist who has gotten me through some rough times. The thing about that is it’s weird to put it into words, to put it out into the world. It’s all very real to me and to the people close to me but to everyone else, I constantly wonder what it sounds like. That I allowed one person to completely destroy my whole world and nearly kill me.
This is supposed to be about Kill Hannah, the band that saved my life but the real story starts before that. The real story starts with a broken heart and, even though I didn’t know it was really a possibility at the time, nearly dying from said broken heart.
The strange part starts a lot earlier than that even. When I was 10 or 11, somewhere in there, I was in my Vacation Bible School class and the teacher asked what we thought about souls and for some reason I had decided that mine lived somewhere in my midsection, kind of behind my stomach. I really have no explanation for that but I spent my whole life with this strange feeling in that area. The best way to describe it is butterflies. Or guilt.
When I met Steven, I figured out what that feeling was. It was the missing part of my soul. I never had the butterfly/guilt feeling with him, instead I felt complete, whole. I don’t know how else to explain it. We both felt the same way and came to the conclusion that we were one giant cosmic mistake. That we had been one person in another life and when we were brought back in this life, the soul was split in two.
I hope that all helps to explain why when he called off our engagement and started dating someone else, not just someone else but someone he knew I didn’t like and didn’t trust (not that that should matter but it still made it worse), it destroyed me. I couldn’t feel anything. It didn’t even hurt for months.
I really have no idea how I found it but Kennedy was exactly what I needed. I fell in love with the song, with Mat’s voice, with the lyrics, and I went looking for more Kill Hannah songs. It didn’t happen overnight but listening to that song and the others I found started to make me hurt. Just one day all that pain I hadn’t felt, all the anger, all the sadness, all the hate, just came flooding in.
That sounds like a bad thing but the truth is being numb, being completely numb, is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. It’s not something I would have wished on Maya (the new girlfriend). Being numb is horrible. Pain reminds us that we are still alive. Without it…
That was five years ago…ish. And even still today, when I’m sad or angry or frustrated, I can turn on Kennedy and it all goes away. I had a friend ask me a few days ago what we’d do without Kill Hannah. I told her I didn’t know and I don’t. I don’t mean to rain on the party but I don’t know what would have happened to me if I hadn’t found a way to start feeling again. They didn’t tell me but my friends at the time were honestly worried, and I see it now that I look back, that I would just shut down. That I’d go to bed and cry myself to sleep one night and not wake up the next morning. It happens. And I really am kind of afraid that it almost happened to me.
So, I have to say to Kill Hannah, thank you for saving my life.