Thank You, Now Go to Hell

Day 5 – A thank you letter to someone who has changed your life.*

I’m not sure how to begin this letter. “Dear Stupid,” comes to mind, followed by “Hey Jerkface.” The salutation really is not important. The important part is all the things I haven’t said, all the things I shouldn’t say.

The truth is, you were not my soul mate. We talked about this at great length and what we decided was we were one soul, split in two in some great, cosmic mistake. I hate you because I still believe this. All this time has passed, all those girlfriends have come and gone, and I still believe that you are my other half, real and true.

I miss you. I miss talking to you for hours about nothing. I miss the way the sound of your voice could clear my head at night. I miss the way you were so passionate about your music but so clueless about the stuff the rest of the world was listening to. I miss having someone who understands how great a gig can be, someone to sing along to the music with, someone to hold tight when the songs get slow, someone who would watch me dance when I danced like no one was watching.

There is a part of me that still loves you, a part of me that will always love you and a part of me that only really loves the idea of you. And a part of me that hates you for making those other parts necessary. I make a concentrated effort in each and every day not to use the word “hate” for people but it’s the only word that fits. A part of me would like to see you drawn and quartered. All these years later.

I trusted you when there was no one else I could trust. I sacrificed things for you I would give the moon and stars to have back. I stayed away from you because you asked me to, not because you wanted me to. I lost the friends I had made with you because you turned them against me, because they never were really mine at all. And I miss them too. Your brother and sister especially. Your brother and sister who were supposed to be my brother and sister too, one day.

I still have a few things you gave me. The me that I was when I was with you, I am slowly finding her again. I still love the music that you gave me and most of the time now I can listen to the important songs without feeling sick. I still have my magazine that was supposed to be our magazine. I still have almost tangible memories of my true home; the place I will always want to get back to, no matter who lives there.

You changed my life – twice. First, by showing me what “happy” truly was (this is the “thank you” part) and second, by destroying everything you built (and this is the “go to Hell” part). But without both of those things I never would have hit bottom and without “bottom” I may have never discovered the real power of music. I may have never discovered the songs that saved my life, because I wouldn’t have needed saving. You are how this bird heart got so fucked.

And now that this has turned into more “go to Hell” and less “thank you,” I think I’ll end it here. I still love you, I will always love you but I can’t help hating you at the same time. So, from the very bottom of my cracked bird heart, thank you, now go to Hell.

* I wrote a half-assed version of this a while back when I attempted and subsequently lost interest in a 30 days of letters meme – which I may or may not ever return to. I spent most of the day, today, writing it in my head and for some reason it felt like the right thing to do. I could have written another thank you to Mat Devine for his music and for saving my life, or to Dorothy Parker for just being awesome, or someone like that but the reality of the situation is, without Stupid, I wouldn’t have a lot of the things I have in my life… Mat/Kill Hannah, included.

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