Two weeks ago (or…will be two weeks on Tuesday) the band that saved my life released a video that the fans have been waiting for for nearly ten months. I watched it twice the first night and haven’t watched it again, nor have I listened to the song since then. Which alone is not an amazing thing except that I haven’t listened to it because I have turned it off every time it’s started to play. I am avoiding it because I can’t bear to listen to it.
I hate that I can’t. This band, their music, pulled me out of the darkest place I have ever been in my life, made me feel again, made me hurt, made me laugh, made me cry, made me start to heal. And this one song says everything that I can’t say to the person who put me in that place. The things the people who love me the most wouldn’t want me to say to him.
It breaks my heart to say that this song breaks my heart. It reminds me so much of him and makes me wish with every fiber of my being that it hadn’t ended the way it did. The video makes me wish I had something more than a t-shirt, a “demo” CD and a sock (don’t ask) to take out in a field and set on fire.
For two weeks, my Facebook news feed has been overflowing with the elation of this beautiful, amazing, heartfelt video that I can’t bear to watch. It makes me sick to my stomach; the same way I used to feel when I’d be somewhere and hear “Something” come over the PA system. It felt like I was being destroyed all over again.
I was expecting to cry because the kind, genuine person behind the song and the video was so deeply affected by it and when I didn’t – not even a tear – it scared … scares me to death. Because I didn’t cry over losing Steven. Not once. I couldn’t. I was too numb to cry. And to be perfectly honest, I haven’t felt 100% in the last two weeks. I’ve been withdrawn and touchy and while neither of those things are “numb” they are also not normal.
I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to want him back. I don’t want this song to make me think of him. I want it to just be a beautiful sad song that makes me sad for the person singing it, not sad for myself.
And now I’m just babbling and there’s no longer a point to what I’m saying so I’m going to paste the lyrics here for you to read, if you haven’t heard the song already (or even if you have)…
I realize now I can’t get you back,
I pushed you too far away,
You’re too strong to be led on,
Now I know the face that will haunt me forever,
Oh what have I done oh no what have I done?,
Just please, please, promise me that somewhere,
Dark and deep in your heart you’ll keep a tiny place for me,
Where no one new can reach,
Just promise me somewhere,
Dark and deep in your heart there’ll be a tiny place for me,
That no one else can reach,
Promise me, promise me now.