So Now I Scream

South by Southwest time again. This is a weird time for me. A huge part of me…most of me, wishes I was in Austin right now, partaking in all the amazing that is going on, getting ready for the music festival later this week. But another part of me – a part which is, honestly, getting a little smaller as time goes on, slowly slowly – associates this as the anniversary of beginning of my downward spiral into that very dark place I almost didn’t make it out of. That place that left me broken and damaged, possibly permanently.

I’m not totally sure about that part although with each passing year it seems like it is getting harder and harder for me to meet people. I admire, cling to, dream about people who are completely out of my reach because if they are unattainable that means they also will never hurt me. How many times have I rehashed this pathetic-ness?

I’d really like to be happy again. I don’t know how to make that happen. I am tired of being frustrated, angry, lonely, sad and want to be somewhere, with someone who will make me not feel like that anymore. Someone who can quiet the noise, who can make me feel like the world outside is inconsequential.

As I sit here in my sweats, hair a mess, listening to Kill Hannah and waiting for something interesting to happen on Stalkerbook, I wonder… If things had gone differently, where would I be right now? On a different couch in a different city doing exactly the same thing because it ended badly after all or out with him and his friends, sitting in some pretentious coffee shop talking with pretentious people about the pretentious indie flick we’d just seen, which I hated but saying so would make me look simple and uncultured.

And why, you ask, would I aspire to the latter scene? Because it would be a moment in an alternate reality that I wanted to exist so badly that when it came crashing down around me, it nearly killed me.

My faithful readers (of which I am pretty sure there are two) know that a certain nu-romantic-shoegaze-goth-electronic-alt-synth-pop-rock band out of Chicago was hugely instrumental (ahem) in pulling me out, in saving my life, in giving me something to believe in. If I had known, six years later, I’d be Facebook friends with three of them, have a tribute tattoo that got a “Holy shit!!!” reaction, be making gifts for the next time I see them, and promote the hell out of them until people are sick to death of hearing it… I totally lost track of where that thought was going but that’s where I ended up, six years after finding them.

This entry has taken a slight detour from where it began but whatever, right. That’s what a blog is for…. Anyway, I wanted to share with you all a song that I couldn’t listen to when it first came out five years ago because it was a little bit like exactly what I would have felt if the asshole hadn’t left me completely numb. But before I do that, I alluded to another song back up there ^ a few paragraphs and thought I’d share some lyrics that really touch me. Might help people understand, a little more clearly, why they are so important to me.

“Don’t take this from me, I need to believe in something.” – Someone Do Something

“You’re tortured but it makes you beautiful.” – Paper Dolls

“As your wings discard their feathers on the ground, I see a halo up above you.” – Crazy Angel (the inspiration for the “Holy shit!!!” tattoo)

“I’ll be brave tonight.” – Kennedy (THE song that saved my life, and the inspiration for the title of this blog and for another tattoo)

Pretty much all of (Life in the Arctic)

“But before I go insane, there’s something else to say. You thought you were alone, but I was with you all the way.” – Last Night Here

“We’re the Phoenix above the flames.” – The Chase (probably going to work that into a tattoo as well…something with that and the Greek wording off of our crest blended together *shrug*)

Last one… not really but since this is getting really long, last one…

“So I reach way down in the dark to the bottom of my rotten heart, to a place deep in my black lung, for the song I haven’t sung since I was a little brat from Connecticut. When I felt so alone against the world picked always last. It saved me then will it save me now? It goes, ‘Universe, wrap your arms around me. Make me strong so I can take on anyone.” – Why I Have My Grandma’s Sad Eyes (The song, not that line exactly, will be tattoo number 3…well… 2 if all goes according to plan and Kennedy will be 3)

And now… I leave you with a video (er… visual representation of song):

3 thoughts on “So Now I Scream

  1. Scream was my very first favorite song from KH. I would play it over and over while I did tarot readings and such. Some of us have some really strange and fucked up paths that led us to that band.

      • I was going through a divorce when I discovered KH. I’ve been through some really heavy shit since then too, and Mat has been infinitely supportive. Couldn’t ask for a better person to dance into my life.

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