Stranded

I never learned to drive. I am 30 years old and really starting to figure out that this sucks. I wish I could go back and have a do-over. The problem with a do-over is my parents have to take the same one. They never made me do it. Isn’t that the number one job of a parent of a 16 year old in the U.S.? Especially in a rural town where you have to drive everywhere.

But back then I just never had the motivation. It just wasn’t something I wanted to do. Now it is something I am terrified to do. Me, all by myself, with no one else on the road, no big deal… Other drivers…. They’re not so bad until they expect me to do something that I am simply not going to do. Whether that be go faster than I am comfortable with or … okay so I can’t think of another example but when other drivers expect me to read their minds or think they can read mine, that’s when I start getting sweaty and panicky… Essentially, this is your dance space, this is my dance space. As long as we understand that we’re good.

But this isn’t (really) about driving and the whys of me not… This is about my frustrations with not… At the root of it is the time it takes to be able to do it. I have always been a quick learner and more than that self taught. EVERYTHING I have ever done in my life, I have more or less taught myself. I taught myself to ride a bike, I taught myself to dance, I taught myself to draw, to sing, to manage a website, to use the Adobe Creative softwares (?)… and I’ve taught myself in short order. But this… ARGH

Anyway, in not being able to drive, I am missing out on things. There is a concert in three weeks that I could go to, if I could turn around and come home when it was over. But I’m tied to the bus schedule which means going Tuesday and coming home Wednesday which is two days off of work. Which, right now, whatever except that the following week is the sorority formal which again means at least one day off of work. It just becomes too much all at once.

Plus, I’d love to go out for roller derby but I can’t get myself to practices or bouts. I might socialize here in town if I could drive to where the people were. I’d get a second job if I didn’t have to worry about closing shifts or whatever. Not to mention, I still live here. I hate this town but short of NYC where no one drives, I am afraid i can’t make it anywhere else….

Just lots of little crap and it’s building and building making me sad and frustrated but still none of it is enough to make me go out and drive. Except that it wouldn’t matter how motivated I am…Mom’s got to be motivated as well and it seems that the stress of driving me to and from work and lunch in between isn’t enough to get her motivated. Which takes us back to the question of why can’t I just teach myself.

My irrational phobias which are in fact very real and very scary …. SUCK!

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