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I am, at the risk of sounding cliche, at a crossroads. When I started working at my most recent job job I was 25. At the end of the time of my life when I was supposed to be doing things. After all, there are no lists of 25 amazing people under 30 or 35 or 40. It’s 25 amazing people under 25.

Yeah, okay, that was kind of a self-imposed load of crap. But when I started that job job at 25, I never planned on still being there when I was 30, almost 31. But for more reasons than I want to go into (because a lot of them sound like excuses more than valid reasons, to me at least), I couldn’t leave on my own. I tried to find a different job job but despite huge number of openings and all the applications I put out, I kept coming up with nothing. But I had bills and was trying to save for Chicago and other things so quitting wasn’t an option.

Friday I got fired. It was finally over and I could take comfort in it not being because I threw in the towel and did something irresponsible but that after nine months of trying to bully me into quitting, the bully finally gave up.

But now I am faced with the desire, need to do something huge, while I am between things. I don’t necessarily want to change the world, I just want to leave my own indelible footprints. I want people to come looking for me when they want something done. I have my own publishing company; I want writers (who aren’t my friends) sending me stuff to publish. I am a designer of … whatever strikes me fancy; I want people coming to me saying hey I need fliers/t-shirts/posters/programs for this event. I am a writer; I want bands asking me if they can give me a press copy of their new CD to review or put me on the guest list so I can write about their show.

None of that really adds up to making my mark but there was a time when I was the go-to girl. You needed something written or needed someone to draw up a poster, you went to Des. I guess I just want to have an amazing idea, or turn the ideas I have already had into something amazing, but I am at a loss for how to make it happen.

In the meantime, I was directed to
this by one of my Sisters. It … kind of makes me feel more motivated but at the same time so much more mediocre and inadequate.


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