I want to do something. I feel like I am spinning my wheels, Sisyphus forever pushing my boulder. I am writing two columns for nothing, not even pennies a day because it’s all based on page views and ad clicks and I’m not getting anyone to do either. I’ve abandoned the other two columns I was working on because I just couldn’t find the motivation to put in the research time and get nothing back from it. But that’s not what I want to do. I am an artist. I am creative. I am a storyteller. I want to create incredible things that inspire awe and amazement in readers.
I want to create a character that will be remembered. I want to create a killer or a monster that will be feared. I want to write a nightmare that will keep ME awake at night. I want to create a dystopian society that rivals the ones that have been created before. I have all these ideas, all these stars to reach for, and they all just seem to be trapped inside my head. A great line in a great song that I can totally relate to is, “If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to,” from Breathe by Anna Nalick. But for some reason, I cannot make the connection from mind to paper, from brain to hand.
I found another quote that fits my life as well. “I write for the same reason I breathe. If I didn’t, I would die.” But what I’ve been producing lately makes me feel like I am living some kind of half life. I’m writing, always writing, but so much of it is … well, this. Nothing anyone is going to care about in the long run…or in the short run for that matter. I review albums. Super. If someone reads a review I write, will it influence them to buy or not to buy? I have my doubts. I’ve been thanked indirectly by one artist for one of my reviews but beyond that…do they even know what I say? Do they care? I write tips for creative writing. Are they going to help anyone get published? Probably not.
I guess I just feel mediocre and want that feeling to go away. I want to be seen as amazing. I want to be sought after… I want to be someone’s favorite writer… or photographer, just so I was someone’s favorite something but favorite writer more than anything.
*Aiming for Mediocrity was the name the ex-idiot and his friends gave to the “label” under which they recorded their demo CD. I thought it was cool and still think I should steal it for something (outside of this blog).