Self-esteem and self-doubt

Self-esteem and self-doubt are fickle things. They can come and go without warning. Without warning, you can go from feeling on top of the world, best you can be at whatever you want to be to hating life and feeling like a complete failure.

This is not autobiographical. Not entirely. I have days where I experience both. I feel like everything is going exactly as planned and nothing can stop me then, without warning, I question every decision I’ve ever made, doubt every word of praise or encouragement as lip service.

I accept as fact that I know what I’m doing. I accept as fact that I have exceptional grammar and know how to construct sentences and paragraphs. I accept as fact that I know red and green are complementary colors and that cutting hair makes it shorter. What I don’t accept as fact, what I have to remind myself on occasion is that I am capable of constructing sentences people want to read, that I “get” how to mix shades of red to make someone’s hair not only look less green but look how they were hoping it would look, or better.

It doesn’t help that to everyone but a small handful of faithful friends, I am just another face in the crowd. I am just one more girl with a blog. I am just one more music lover with a need to share my opinions, solicited or otherwise. I am just one more joker with a camera who thinks photos of the patio furniture is real photographic art. I am just one more student trying to learn from experience. I am nothing special to most people and I haven’t learned, in 33 years on this green Earth, how to make them think I am special or make them want to know who I am and what I can do.

I’m not much of a scientific or mathematical mind but I can see single digit numbers and statistics and I know that I am getting mediocre blog views; that I haven’t sold a single photo print or handmade necklace to anyone, ever; that I am still and, despite my desire and efforts not to, will most likely graduate as a level 1 stylist. And all of that, no matter how good I think I am, no matter how good I want to become, how hard I work at improving my crafts, doesn’t quell the moments of self-doubt that make me want to give up on everything.

I just don’t know how to shine brighter than all of the other stars I’m competing against.


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