Here’s the thing they never tell you about meeting your soul mate. Sometimes being soul mates is not enough. Sometimes even though you are one soul living in two bodies, split in half somewhere in some colossal cosmic screw up, you figure out that one of you is the Dark Half and you are better apart.
And they don’t tell you just how much it will always suck. How much that other half of your soul will always haunt the back of your mind, always be present. It’s not necessarily a longing – sometimes it is – so much as just the knowledge that there is another part of you somewhere in the world and you are no longer connected and often that knowledge comes attached to the very powerful memory of when it all came to an end.
If you’re lucky it was a quiet, peaceful, amiable ending where you just agreed that it wasn’t meant to be and went your separate ways. If you are like me, however, that ending came in the form of the Hindenburg, a 100-ton flaming destruction, affecting everyone in its wake. I spent months in a state of numb shock. Despair would have been a relief. Instead I felt nothing.
But we’ve gone over all of that before.
Today, we are talking about today.
Today, I have moved on to a new life. I am kind of stuck in limbo between a life I’m not in love with and a life I want to live but things keep getting in the way. But none of that is your concern. The point of all of this is that most days, 99% of the time, you are merely a shadow. The ghost of a past that was on a path to be something amazing but never came to be. Most days, you are tail lights going the opposite direction.
But some days, I still harbor an intense anger for the selfishness you put me through. I might always. I don’t know. It’s been a long time and the fire is still as hot as it was then so I really don’t see it ever going out.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not consuming or anything like that. Typically it lasts the length of a song that reminds me of you and then it’s gone again until the next time. But when it does flare, I wish there was a way to tell you how much you still affect me. Years later.
Instead I’ll just share this song and let you know that there are moments – just moments, brief but intense moments – where there is more truth in these words than I could ever hope to share in my own.