Day 5 in your tea leaves

At the risk of sounding bead-and-feather-y…

For as long as I can remember I have had … vibes, for lack of a better explanation.

Sometimes I get feelings. Generally, it’s an indication that I shouldn’t do something I was planning to do. Kind of a twitchy, queasy feeling in my stomach. And they’re usually right. Planning on a trip? Going to meet someone at the other end? Twitchy feeling in my tummy tells me I shouldn’t go only to find out later the person on the other end made other plans and wouldn’t be there when I got there.

I don’t talk about them often. People give me a very specific weird look when I do. But a few of the people I have told about them pay attention when I tell them “I have a bad feeling about this.” They have figured out to tread lightly, if not forgo things altogether.

Sometimes I’ll form an instant bond with a person. It’s not the kind of bond you would expect, like, between friends. It’s more of a connection where I know they are going to call before they do or smell something they are smelling somewhere else in the world. Maybe they got a bouquet of flowers. I will suddenly smell the same flowers on the wind. Or if they are baking I will smell cookies. I think that might even explain the times that I think I can hear music but can’t really identify what it is or where it’s coming from and I’m the only one who can hear it.

Sometimes I have what I call flashes. That’s what this is really about. They are like daydreams, in that I am awake and thinking about something other than what I am doing, but they are completely unlike daydreams in most other ways.

The biggest difference is that they feel just as real as anything else. Emotions and sensations are just as solid as they are in real life. If someone touches me, I feel it, even after the flash has ended. I can smell things and taste things that are part of the flash.

They come out of nowhere when they come. When you daydream, you kind of mentally step away from whatever you are doing and make a conscious decision to visit the beach or a waterfall in the forest. With these flashes that I have, I’m kind of snapped up and dragged out of the moment. They usually connect, in some way, to what I’m doing.

As an only child, I spent much of my kidhood – and on into adulthood – talking to myself. I mostly just think out loud, sorting my thoughts on the outside instead of the inside. Last night, I was laying on my bed, looking at the pictures on my wall, trying to decide how to rearrange them when I get ready to put up a huge new frame I just bought and for a brief moment, my crush was lying on the bed next to me, asking me all of the questions that I was answering anyway – Will that frame stand on its own or does it have to hang? What is that picture? What if you put that over there? – just as he might have be doing had he been corporeal.

He was gone as soon as my conscious brain reconnected and realized he was only a mirage but the last thing about these flashes that is so unlike what I classify as “daydreams” is they leave me completely disoriented. It’s like even though I generally snap back to reality, quite suddenly, I left some part of my consciousness back there in whatever parallel universe I had traveled to.

I’ve tossed around the word psychic, but please don’t ask me to talk to your dead goldfish or pick your lottery numbers. I am not afraid or ashamed to say I have definitely developed some variety of sixth sense but it may be nothing more than a sensitive intuition coupled with an overactive imagination. Gods know I’ve been accused of the latter on more than one occasion in my life and I have used the word “sensitive” as a noun, once or twice, which I think is probably more accurate than “psychic.” Whatever the verbiage, I just know I have vibes and they can be frustratingly distracting.

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