Day 11 and the playlist

I was sorting through some old blog posts and found a list of topics that I had worked on a couple of years ago (to think that I’ve been working on this blog for a few years is kind of crazy…). I thought I’d revisit a few of them. Not even to compare my responses, just because they are good questions and always worthy of a few hundred words.

Because this is day 11 of 30 and I am a third of the way through this adventure, I thought I’d tackle a prompt regarding music. Something a little lighter than what I’ve been writing about lately.

Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose all of the songs (Just post the titles and artists and a letter to the person)

I chose this one to address the 6000 pound elephant in the “room,” my crush/unrequited …ahem, love. Because I haven’t really sat down and talked about the situation (here…I’ve spilled it all over Facebook a couple hundred times) and I don’t know what I will say when I do. The thing is I had chosen to tell him about my feelings in a more personal, face to face kind of way and then personal, face to face kept getting away from me so I kept putting it off and then, for reasons I cannot pin down, he stopped talking to me altogether and I am left holding this secret that is making me a little crazy.

But I digress…

The point of this was to write him a letter to go with a playlist that I curated just especially for him. So… Here goes:

Dear Crush,

The thing is, I think, when (if) we ever get all of this sorted out and get that first awkward kiss out of the way (or get that first awkward kiss out of the way then sort things out, which is typically how I operate), I’ll continue to call you Crush, in lieu of something from the Terms of Endearment starter kit. You just don’t fit into my world as a “Baby” or even a “Love.” I have a feeling that ours will be one of those romances where we (I, at least) have a crush on one another for a very long time. And that’s a great thing. Crushes are fun. Butterflies and sweaty palms are fun (just try to wipe them off on your pants before reaching for my equally sweaty hand…). Kisses where no one knows where the noses go are fun (of course, moving past that is more fun…).

Right now, you are a million miles away from me (both physically and emotionally, I feel) and I don’t know if you’ll ever get around to this. I don’t know if you are reading it right now or if you will read it in the future but even as far away as you are, you are always in my heart and on my mind. As a result, I find you in so much of the music I listen to every day. But I thought I’d give you a handful of the more obvious ones to listen to, with all of this in mind.

Stolen – Dashboard Confessional – Chris Carrabba is the unofficial king of emo kids. Whether he is writing as Dashboard or Further Seems Forever or Twin Forks or just Chris, he grabs on to whatever we emo kids are feeling and exploits it to beautiful ends. From first love to unrequited love to falling out of love, Chris has tackled it. Stolen is one of his best, as far as “songs for your crush” are concerned. Stolen is exactly what you would expect an emo love song entitled “Stolen” to be. “You have stolen my heart,” he warbles again and again and you, sir, have stolen MY heart.

Favorite Record – Fall Out Boy – As music lovers both of us, I feel like the metaphor of this song is kind of as perfect as it could possibly get. “You were the song stuck in my head/Every song that I’ve ever loved/Played again and again and again/And you can get what you want but it’s never enough/And I spin for you like your favorite records used to.” Even more than that, it’s all about things that I would love to happen, driving all night, dancing to  (Rancid) something most couples don’t dance to (because I have no illusions that we would ever be like most couples), making moonlit confessions and dancing a little more. Hashtag relationship goals.

Just a Kiss – Lady Antebellum – I have a history of diving into … relationships head first and sorting out the details later. But something about you makes me feel like a kid. I mean, I’m pretty much an immature brat anyway but you make me feel like a 14 year old kid with my first real feelings for the first guy ever. And you are definitely not the first guy ever and I’m definitely not 14. But despite being an unapologetically physical lover who very much enjoys touching and holding and kissing (“lover” here means person who loves, including but not limited to sexual partner), I have had legitimate “fantasies” about doing nothing more than kissing you. Gently – but not without passion – under the stars. On a summer night when the sun has only just set at 9:00 and the air is still hot from the day. “Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight/Just a touch of the fire burning so bright/I don’t want to mess this thing up/I don’t want to push too far/Just a shot in the dark that you just might/Be the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life”

Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop – Landon Pigg – I am 1000% against the idea of being “in love” with you at this stage but I am definitely over the moon in like with you. But even early on in this thing I could hear parts of this song echoing in my head. I actually couldn’t even remember what the song was until a friend helped me out. “I think that, possibly, maybe I’m falling for you/Yes, there’s a chance that I’ve fallen quite hard over you.”

Beneath Your Beautiful – Labrinth featuring Emili Sande – I look at you and sometimes all I see is this perfect creature. I get a little worried about how people will react to certain things so I asked a handful of my male friends how they would feel about being called “beautiful;” is it too feminine a term or is it cool to tell a guy he’s beautiful. Because as a word nerd, I can honestly say it is the most accurate description of how I feel about you, both inside and out. Yes, you are gorgeous but you have a beautiful spirit and mind as well and those are the thing that make you so perfect and make me, occasionally, wonder what the hell I am thinking, expecting someone like you to be interested in me.

Tall Green Grass – Cory Branan – I was going to close this at 5 songs but then this one came on shuffle and it is another “relationship goals” song. “We’ll be off the radar, off the map, stretched out in the tall green grass, only green against the blue, there’s only me against you.” Actually it’s the “I can’t even tell you where the f*ck we are” line that really gets me. I love activity and people but I could definitely be convinced to drive until we get completely lost and just spend the day together. Doing whatever feels right. Talking, having a picnic, watching the stars, just laying in the grass in silence…

I’ve Just Seen a Face – the Beatles – This one is for you, 100%. Between the two of us, you are probably (definitely) the bigger Beatles fan. I am not not a fan, but you think of them when asked about favorite bands whereas I might remember The Who. HAHA But I’ve Just Seen a Face is not your standard, I Wanna Hold Your Hand Beatles song to the crush kind of track. True as it is that I want to hold your hand, it is more true that I can’t get your face out of my head and that when I realized how I felt about you, it was all over. I was doomed and frankly didn’t care.

I could go on for pages and pages. I’m not exaggerating when I say you are on my mind every second of every day and I hear ghosts of you in songs I’d never really listen to otherwise. I just hope one day you will want to lie next to me and listen to these songs – and hours more – to hear what I hear.


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