Day 26 – Things you’d say to an ex
Okay, so here we go…
I mean, there is a whole boat load of words I could say to my last “official” ex, but I’ve said most of them. But because I apparently like complicated, there have been a couple misters in the interim to whom I could say a lot; some good, some less than good…
I did a whole post on the psychological abuse one “unofficial” ex put me through for several years. To you, I just want to say I wish I had seen it sooner. I wish I had realized sooner how bad it had gotten. I don’t want to think that you started out seeing me as an easy target for manipulation and outright abuse but it definitely escalated until that is what I see when I look back on it. Now that I have put it together, I don’t see you the same way.
After college, I went through something with a former flame that I still don’t quite understand. He contacted me, asking about parties because he was going to be around for a weekend, and offered me sex (or beer or food, but he recommended the sex) if I would let him crash at my place while he was around. It was good for a laugh and we didn’t really talk again for a few months, when he once again initiated contact. We’d talk a little while then he’d disappear again for weeks and I didn’t think anything of it.
Then the conversations became more frequent, until we were basically talking every day. They got deeper and we started really talking about ourselves and getting to know one another. And we talked about sex. We made confessions, we sent “adult” emails. I asked, just to be on the same page so we both knew what the other was thinking, what we were doing. Was this just physical or were we talking about trying something more serious? He said let’s stick with the physical right now and see where it takes us. Okay. Cool.
Then things got crazy. You got crazy.
To you, I want to say, you missed out. I’m not perfect. I have flaws. But I am an amazing girlfriend and you will never know because you screwed the whole thing up. And I’m sure that when you tell the story, I’m the one who draws the short straw. I become the crazy one. But I know how it really went down and you really screwed up a chance at something good.
Unfortunately, you’re still gorgeous and I assume you’re still doing your music thing which means if you were to reappear in my world with another inappropriate suggestion I would have to fight really hard not to give in. I have friends who will tell me all the reasons I would be wrong for entertaining the idea.
Not long ago, I met a guy. He flirted. Having been on the receiving end of a string of bad behavior, I didn’t know quite how to respond. As a result, he stopped flirting and actually, stopped talking to me altogether. Until later.
A few months down the road, we reconnected and I got the impression he was kind of into me. I wasn’t not into him so I played along, thinking it was worth a shot. The more we talked, the more I started to like him.
Or started to like the idea of him liking me.
I never did find out how he really felt about me and it’s been almost three years since we had a real conversation. The last thing I really remember was him telling me he believed in me, that he thought I could “cut it” as a cosmetologist, because I had told him I thought I was in over my head.
To you, I want to apologize. I don’t know what you were looking for from me but I think I was looking for the exact wrong thing from you. Especially if you were, in fact, ever interested in being more than friends. I know now that I was more interested in the idea of you than you, specifically. You are undeniably gorgeous (although, not really my “type”), sweet, talented, and kind and the idea of you being interested in plain little vanilla me was exciting, to say the least. But I was confused and if I led you on it was because I didn’t understand what I was feeling. I truly am sorry for that.