Feeling feelings and rehashing

According to an internet meme, “Psychologists say that a “crush” only lasts 4 months; if feelings persist beyond that, one is considered to be ‘in love.’”

I don’t even know how long I’ve “liked” him. I allowed myself to be conscious of it roughly a year and a half ago, November-ish, 2015. But I honestly think it started sometime in 2013… I have memories of moments with him going back a couple years where I didn’t want anyone to think I was flirting…

I am, and have been, extremely hesitant of the big L word. On the one hand, saying that before finding out if he is even interested in being more than friends could be disastrous. That’s where the “crazy” label comes from and I don’t disagree. Despite his insistence that no one should hide their feelings because you never know if you will never get a chance to tell someone, I still think even thinking about the big L is too much too soon.

On the other hand, I don’t feel like I know him well enough to use the big L. I know enough to know I want to know everything but I don’t, in fact, know everything. I know a lot of important things like he is super smart and talented at what he loves to do. He’s dry and sarcastic. He’s passionate about just about anything he considers worthy of his time – which means he’s either the kind of super passionate person who just can’t turn it off, or he doesn’t waste his time on anything about which he can’t be super passionate… either way, it’s sexy as Hell. He has an enormous heart and he doesn’t distinguish between being chivalrous and being a feminist. I also know the big things like his favorite sports, his favorite colors, his favorite bands, his favorite restaurants and foods, what he drinks when he drinks…

So how do you know when the little l of “like” becomes the big L of “love?” While I still talk to my girlfriends about most of the things that happen to me, there are times when my first thought is to tell him about something. I see things on the internet – videos, pictures of things I think he’ll appreciate – and want to share them with him. Sometimes I do. I see his favorite things and think of him. Searching through the “new-ish” vinyl collection at Barnes & Noble and found albums from several of his favorite bands and instinctively wondered if he had them.

My thoughts of him are relentless. I don’t even try, most of the time. I see something or hear something and he’s there in my head again, taking up space. But the only reason I even care, that I might want him out of my head, is that I don’t know where I stand with him. We were friends once – good friends – but I don’t know if we are anymore. So what happens when you are 100% scared to entertain the idea that you might be feeling the big L for a friend but it might not even matter because they don’t even act like they want to be friends with a little f?

He still makes me smile, every single day. But he also makes my heart ache. And I don’t know if he even knows how I feel or that the thing I want more than anything in the world is for him to know that one more person in the world cares for him, very deeply.

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