Okay, but here’s the thing…
People get all twitterpated about “Facebook is not your personal diary” and “don’t air your laundry on social media.”
I am an only child. I grew up talking to myself, and for the most part, still do, any time I am alone. I have this thing about thinking. If I do too much of it, on the inside, it just makes a lot of noise and I’d probably blow a fuse if I did it all the time. I have to get the thoughts out of my head or they start to just kind of melt together and, before long, I can’t pick one clear thought out of the chaos. I’ve had that attributed to my creativity, to ADD, to myriad other disorders and conditions (not limited to autism, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia…although not by anyone who would legally be able to medicate me for any of those things). It doesn’t really matter what causes it, the fact is it’s who I am.
So when I “air my laundry” or use social media as a personal diary, it’s because I desperately want someone else to hear the thoughts that I needed to get out of my head. Because I am a Scorpio and apparently that makes me a walking paradox but because there is only so much I can accomplish by simply thinking – be it silently, within the confines of my brain, or aloud to my cats or the face in the mirror – and I need someone else to offer a response, which means sharing parts of myself that people might expect a Scorpio to keep hidden. Like feelings. Yes, I do have them. Intensely. I just don’t go waving them around all the time. Most of the time. Except when I need them to be heard. Paradox.
I also do it out of fear.
I need someone, anyone, to hear what I’m saying but I can’t bring myself to say it directly to an individual person. For fear of judgement, for fear of being misunderstood, for fear of getting a response I didn’t expect or of getting little response at all.
Of course, typing what is in my head in the little “What’s on your mind?” box on Facebook often results in little to no response at all but it’s still out in the world where someone – anyone – can see it and “hear” it.
And the box does say, “What’s on your mind?” before you clear it out to start typing so I kind of feel like I’m using it for its intended purpose. Chaos, feelings, anger, pride, happiness, confusion… that’s what’s on my mind, so that’s what I’m supposed to put in the box, right?
So while calm, calculating, rational me is begging for cessation, freaked out, emotional me is trying to get the attention of anyone willing to listen to share whatever noise is loudest in her head at the moment. This results in a lot of vague and veiled Facebook posts because one of the loudest sounds in the cacophony of my mind is his voice. Competing with the voice that asks what the hell I’m thinking, trying to box above my weight class with him.
There are other noises too – like writing struggles and work struggles – but those noises don’t lead me to operate with nearly the same level of surreptitiousness…. But when his voice is the loudest in the din, it sometimes makes me feel like I’m going to shake apart and I look around for someone who can tell me anything soothing.
So if you are reading this and you wonder why I am always saying things that sound like I am seeking attention, it’s probably because I am. Just imagine what sort of things I don’t share… I am an extrovert – which, according to Tumblr, means I’m a loud, obnoxious, attention whore – and I think that compounds my feelings of loneliness and those feelings are 1000 times worse when I just need someone to talk to. I’m an extrovert, which means I like to talk through things and be with people, but I’m a Scorpio, which means I’m predominately wary of most people and slow to trust.
This is another case of me needing to get something out of my head. I feel like a lot of this is a jumbled mess but I can’t really focus well enough to rearrange it so what you see is what you get. Sorry ‘bout it.