Disclaimer: The following blog post contains subject matter which I have addressed before. It is possible that I have reached the point of beating a dead horse. I apologize in advance if anyone out there in internet land is sick of this story. Please feel free to stop reading here.
I want you to hear me. I have no illusions that the conversation will end with you telling me that you love me too and sweeping me into a passionate kiss. I have hopes, dreams, but no illusions. While I firmly believe in happy together, I have very little faith in the idea of fairy tale endings. I am a realist and a pragmatic soul and I believe that it is far less likely that two people fall in love with one another, simultaneously, at the same time, in the same way than it is for one person to fall in love with someone and the second person agrees to give the whole thing try.
So, I fully accept that confessing my feelings to you is going to earn me, at best, a what the hell, why not?
And I’m okay with that. But I want you to hear that. I just want you to hear me tell you that I’m fine with why not. I want you to hear that I understand that you may not reciprocate my feelings. But I want you to hear that I want you in my life.
I am not the girl who can’t handle being friends with a guy my feelings for him extend beyond friendship. I am not the girl who makes things weird. As long as we’re friends, I will care about you. I will support you. I will want to spend time with you. None of that will change. But I can care about you and support you and spend time with you as friends. And that is what I want. I want to be friends.
I struggle with close friendships. I am an extroverted empathic Scorpio; human relationships are very important to my well-being. I don’t think there is a substance – either natural or synthetic – in this world that could replace what I get from being intimate and emotionally bonding with other people. But I struggle with them. I approach every new relationship from the perspective that letting this new person through my walls gives them the ability to hurt me. Keeping everyone at arm’s length keeps them from having that ability. I know I push people away. I always have. Finding someone with whom I feel completely comfortable, with whom I actually want to share the parts of me I keep from so many people, is something that means a lot to me.
You weren’t supposed to hurt me. You made me comfortable. I wanted to tell you things that I kept bottled up, hidden away from even my closest friends, because I wanted YOUR perspective. I wanted to hear what you could offer me to help me deal with things when I really just wanted to push them aside. When I already knew the reactions I would get from the other people in my life, I wanted to find out what you would say. Because what you would say would be different. Because I couldn’t predict what you would say the way I could with others. And I wanted that. I looked forward to that. I wanted to hear your voice.
Not your actual voice, although that is no less comforting, but your Voice. The voice you use to share your thoughts with the world. Your special, unique way with words. I have grown very fond of your voice over the years; even when you aren’t using it to speak directly to me. I miss your voice in my life. I don’t want your voice to not be part of my life.
Even though I always knew there was the possibility that you didn’t share my feelings, even though I knew that finding out that you only wanted to be friends would hurt, for a while, I also knew it wouldn’t hurt as much as long as I still had your friendship. And I think we are, still friends, but it’s not the same.
Maybe you can’t be friends when there are stronger feelings involved. Maybe that’s what happened. But you aren’t that guy. You aren’t the guy who avoids confrontation because it’s weird or uncomfortable. You aren’t the guy who doesn’t talk about things when there is something to talk about. You aren’t the guy who promises to be there for someone and then disappears when they need you to be there.
Maybe you’re not avoiding me. Maybe it’s all a misunderstanding. Maybe you still believe you are there for me, that we are friends, that I should always feel comfortable telling you anything, that I should never feel like I can’t ask you something or come to you with a problem. But I don’t feel like that anymore. I feel like trying to talk to you is futile. Like you aren’t listening anymore. Like you don’t want to listen.
And I need you to listen.
I need you to listen when I have trouble talking to anyone else.
But I also need you to listen to my heart. I need you to hear that all I want, in the whole world, is to know that I didn’t fuck all of this up. I need you to hear that as much as I want you to pull me into you and kiss me, I want to be friends more. I want you in my life and if I have to sacrifice romance in favor of friendship, I will do that. I can do that. I have before.
But I need you to hear me.